My Opinions on American Soccer*

*contains some naughty language and things that easily offended soccer players will probably find insulting

So when it comes to sports, I’m kind of the kindergartener who was to busy eating paste to ever get involved…

That’s not to say I’m not athletic, or don’t enjoy sports. All I mean is I don’t really follow most organized sports. Here’s a list of my opinions on a few to give you an idea.

Baseball: Happy when Minnesota Twins do stuff good (yes, good, like Superman), don’t care for it on t.v., enjoy going to games. Can’t name more than maybe three players.

Professional Football: Packer Fan. Won’t seek games out on t.v., but when they’re on I’ll give up on whatever I was planning to do and watch.

College Football: Anyone who doesn’t love the Wisconsin Badgers can go die in a hole. Preferably twice. I consider you to be an offense to humanity.

Basketball: Don’t follow, don’t care.

Hockey: Don’t know any teams, don’t care.

Then there’s soccer…

I enjoy watching soccer just about as much as I hate watching it, which usually results in me watching it if it’s on.

Why do I watch it? I’m a runner and a martial artist, and I view and respect soccer as a sport that involves a solid amount of endurance as well as outstanding lower body dexterity in a world where most people could be peg-legged for all they know.

So why my beef with soccer? Two reasons.

Reason One: The reaction towards physical contact.

As a game of quick, spontaneous movement while focused on an object rolling around on the ground, I’ve observed this happens a lot…

Doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, that sort of shit happens in sports.

My problem with it is that the rules of the sport and the players themselves treat the instance as if the goddamn Hulk just raped and murdered a 7-year old orphan girl’s unicorn.

Is soccer meant to be a contact sport? No. But SHIT HAPPENS.

I was in a 800m race once when someone crossed lanes and tripped me going into the last 100m of the race. You know what I did?


I got the fuck up an ran like hell with my only remaining goal being knock the teeth out of the guy who tripped me through pure rage, speed, and awesome.

When I watch a sport, I don’t want to see the players bitch when knocked over, I want to see them return with a vengeance to reclaim the honor which they have lost! I want some goddamn Falcon Kicks to the face parts!

Now for Reason Two: The mechanics of the game itself.

Soccer games seem to go on forever without anyone scoring, and I don’t watch the sport enough to understand how the damn clock works.

I understand they’re always last roughly the same amount of time, yet for some reason whenever I get up to get myself another beer, suddenly one of the teams has scored eight times, won the game, and for all I know fought off a damn velociraptor apocalypse.

Fuck soccer.

Although I have to admit I still end up watching.

And just once more because I think this picture is hilarious…

It’s funny because he’s a stick figure.

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