My ongoing war with the rodent of despair more commonly known as the “squirrel” is by no means a secret.
I hate the fuzzy little jerks.
However, it is now getting to be my favorite time of year.
You see, awesome things happen in autumn, like it getting cold meaning I wear flannel and stop shaving without total disapproval!
More importantly though, it means the squirrels food supplies are running out.
Meaning it is the perfect time for us to strike!
Most years, I’m on my own. This year, I’m calling on you to help me in this fight!
Your training begins now!
Everyone knows you can’t hope to take on a squirrel in one on one combat. They travel in packs making them nigh impossible to find alone. They’re also scrappy little buggers that fight dirty.
The key is you can’t assault them directly. You have to outsmart the bastards. One simply way to be detrimental to the squirrel empire is to invade their ecological niche.
You see that squirrel with an acorn?
FUCK THAT SQUIRREL! THAT’S YOUR ACORN!
That’s the basic idea, but I like to take it to the next step.
The worst thing about squirrels is that they’re overly optimistic little f*ckers that think they’re better than you.
As such, I prefer to not just take their food, but to make sure they know I’m doing it just to hurt them. This destroys their morale, and nothing’s funnier than a depressed squirrel.
Personally, I’m a fan of a lighter and anything that’s flammable and comes in a spray can.
This is fun, and great for keeping the squirrels nice and sad while they continue to forage acorns. However, as mentioned before, squirrels are optimistic, and rebound quickly from depression and despair.
As such, you need to plan ahead, so that you can break their spirit when it really hurts…
So let us unite fellow humans! Together, we can make this autumn one that few squirrels will survive and none will ever forget!
P.S. Given that this is how my semester is starting, I’m a little worried about a full fledged jump to insanity around mid-October. We’ll see what happens.