The other day, I came into contact with food, which on my budget is a very exciting event. As per normal when I’m part of an exciting event, I had to resist the urge to do something stupid and awkward. Also per norm, I eventually made the very conscious choice to ignore social expectations and do that exact thing I wanted to earlier that was stupid and awkward.

In this case I decided I wanted to be a chipmunk.

I was proud of myself. Chipmunks can store food in their cheeks for later. It’s like having your cake, and eating it too!

I didn’t think there was anything that could ruin this moment, so of course something did.

It was at this point that my ignorant, painfully misinformed, and downright foolish friend made one of the most offensive comments I’ve ever heard. (Was that too mean? No. No it wasn’t. Just wait.)

It got even worse.

There are not words, in this language or any other, to describe the rage I felt upon hearing this statement.

Here’s my attempt at drawing it though.

I want to make something very clear.

Chipmunks, on the other hand, are adorable, wonderful little happy critters that are nothing but happy awesome wonderful.

Let me further demonstrate this.

A squirrel will steal your car, just to be an asshole.

A chipmunk would never do anything so mean. If he did take your car, it would only be so that he could get you ice cream, and I can promise that he’d fill it back up with gas afterwards.

Chipmunks will make up holidays, just so that they can do nice things for you!

Squirrels will make up holidays, just to be squirrels (who are assholes.)

Squirrels use science for evil.

Chipmunks use science to put happiness into jars.

I could go on with examples like this, but I want to leave you with just one more.

When facing death, the differences between squirrels and chipmunks are glaring. I should know, I’ve seen my grandma shoot both.

Squirrels die like bitches.

Chipmunks, however, accept their fate with the dignity and grace of the most honorable feudal samurai.

So in conclusion,

Squirrels = Bad

Chipmunks = Good

They are NOT , and never will be, “basically the same thing.”

*Author’s Note*: I feel I didn’t successfully support the awesomeness of the storing food in your cheeks idea. To continue with the cake line of thinking…

Tell me this wouldn’t be wonderful! I DARE YOU!

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