Rapture

Something amazing almost happened last week, and I bet you completely missed it.

We managed to avoid the Rapture.

Imagine if it had actually occurred.

Now, granted, velociraptors aren’t as intimidating as you might think. In fact, they’re basically prehistoric chickens, complete with feathers.

Still though, they’re vicious little buggers, and it’s good to be prepared

So, here is my guide to surviving the Rapture, because you never know when it’s going to be for real.

Like in most situations, the very first thing you’re going to want is safety goggles. What good would you be in the raptor apocalypse without your ability to see?

Next, you’re going to want a thick pair of pants, to protect your legs. Remember, kicking is going to be your best offense in this situation.

I suggest something similar in order to protect your torso as well. A basic sweatshirt should do the trick.And, of course, no apocalypse survival outfit is complete without a nice Viking war helm.

Now let’s get into the category of weapons. Like I stated before,  kicking the sons-of-bitches is going to be your best bet, so I’d suggest you weld some spikes on a pair of steel-toed boots.

Now, when raptors congregate in large numbers, things can get a little hectic. I suggest wielding a weapon that requires little accuracy, like a tennis racket.

Now, it’s very important to balance the racket’s ease of use with a weapon of solid killing potential in your other hand. My personal favorite is a good ol’ lead pipe.Congrats! You are now ready for the Rapture! When the day finally comes, you will be more than prepared to show those stupid chicken-sauruses who’s the boss.

This outfit also works with squirrels.

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