*Originally Written December, 2009
The Story of Christmas! A Business Elephant Production!
Now prepare for the rest, this is but an introduction!
‘Twas a wonderful morning, and two friends took a walk
To a magical forest, but what they found was a shock!
What appeared as an elf, festively clad
In the midst of a pentacle, and boy was he mad!
With a ravenous snarl, he yelled to the sky
And it was in his soul, that Satan came to lie.
With octopi tentacles, crab legs and a claw
It seemed this Christmas might be the last they saw.
Wait! Boomed a voice, soulful and gay
That’s not my elf! Its a gnome! It’s OK!
But its great maw opened, reeking brimstone and fire
And Old Santy Claus was consumed in a pyre!
It seemed now that Christmas was surely at end
For ol’ Santa Clause was most certainly dead!
With tearful eyes, the boys were too scared to run
But just stood wishing something, anything, could be done!
And with a shining light, appearing in their midst
Was a jolly old band of Protagonists!
There was Frosty the Snowman, boy was he pissed,
And the Abominable Snowman, without that stupid dentist!
And Rudolph the Reindeer, who’s not a snowman at all
but wanted to be included, so he joined in the thrall
‘To Hell with you Satan Gnome!’ Frosty cried out
And into the fray, they dove with a shout!
It sure wasnt pretty, It sure wasn’t nice
That ol’ Satan Gnome had a heart cold as ice
He melted poor Frosty, both top hat and coal
That evil, rotten demon had no Christian soul!
With flash photography, he scared the yeti away
Who has ever been running to this very day
And poor Rudolph, well, he couldn’t fight
And got caught by a tentacle and thrown into the night
And all hope seemed lost, the boys heard a bell toll…
Surely they were doomed to be consumed whole!
But let me tell you Children, ‘Twas a Glorious Day!
‘Twas not the bell of doom, But Tiny Tim on his way!
And in a boyish voice, he exclaimed through the snow
With a heartful of charm, and soulful of…soul!
‘Tis Christmas my friends! A time of Joy and Love!
‘A time for Peace and Thanks for the gift from Above!
‘Tis the time we must share, so I ask you kind gnome
‘What might I do, so you won’t feel alone.
‘I know what it’s like, to be excluded and lame…
‘You see, I’ve been mocked for using this cane
‘And you must understand, I do sympathize
‘But I think that I can see some peace in your eyes!’
And with that hope was lost, the gnome turned on the boys
Who cried out ‘Help! Help!’ When with tumultuous noise
A dimensional rift appeared, and with a businessy grace
An elephant stepped out from this very odd place
With a deep raspy voice, he yelled at the gnome…
‘Dammit Charlie that’s enough! Its time to come home!’
Then he opened his briefcase, and the gnome was consumed
And business elephant explained things would be normal soon
‘This gnome works for me, in a different dimension
‘The platypi brought his escape to my attention
‘And brought me to your world so I could take him away
‘And bring this mess to an end before more went astray
‘I’m glad I made it in time for a hasty intervention
‘Now I must return this case to the cast of Pulp Fiction.
And that portal closed up, whisking all them away
Leaving the boys all alone, and everything okay
All questions were answered, nothing left unexplained
And Christmas went on, and peace it did rein
And everyone was happy, no one was sad
And it was the very best Christmas anyone ever had!