Food Pyramid

Through a series of financial successes, and convenient sales, I was able to do something today I haven’t done since pre-Thanksgiving.

I was able to afford and eat Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

I feel as though I have been chosen by the Gods.

This is quite a jump for me from my normal diet.

Let’s begin!

The base of my pyramid consists of Chinese takeout.

 They may be communists, and as such bent on destroying everything good in the world, but they make some damn affordable chicken. And, since in a communist society everyone contributes to society in the way they are best able to, I like to image only the very best of Chinese chefs are making my meals!

Step Two on my pyramid? Drunchies!

 What can I say? I get hungry when I drink, and drunk Nick has substantially less monetary responsibility than sober Nick. Sober Nick has to set money aside for him so that he doesn’t bankrupt me. The end result is, for better or worse, Drunchies are where I obtain my largest variety of nutrition. Everything from Taco Bell, to ice cream, to shot glasses carved out of apples (which are in turn filled with ice cream).

Step Three, my personal favorite, my infamous Hobo Soup!

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Hobo Soup, here’s the recipe…

Canned Chicken.
Instant Mashed Potatoes.
Excessive Gravy.
A Shot of your Favorite Alcohol.

Mix the chicken, potatoes, and gravy all together. The atrocious amount of gravy is what makes it soup!

The alcohol is for the shame. It also leads to Drunchies!

Now for Step Four. This is the step which, if memory serves me correctly, has quite often led to the greeting, “Oh my God, you’re are such a hobo!” which I like to interpret as, “You’re an interesting individual and I am happy to be acquainted with you!”

Step Four is Chicken-Flavored Rice Sandwiches!

For some reason, this one seems to make people sad. I’m not quite sure why. One night, I had chicken-flavored rice, bread, and butter. I put them together.

It was delicious! Or at least as close to delicious as my diet gets.

Now for Step Five. Ramen.

It’s cheap, plentiful, and I’m a poor college student. I don’t believe I need to say anything further.

So finally, the peak. Gum.

I know there is even less nutritional value in gum than ramen, but it gets the taste of everything else I eat out of my mouth, which I feel is important.

And that is my complete food pyramid. Now I’m going to go eat my Mac & Cheese outside of my apartment and scoff at the peasants.

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